Weirdo Solo: April 2015

The idea of being with someone. (thoughts)

I'm gonna straight up saying this,

Romantic relationship scared me.
Having a boyfriend scared me (more like annoyed but back to the point)

Marriages scared me.

The idea having a partner scared me.

Here are my thoughts,

For 17 nearly 18 years in my life, I studied myself.
I found out that I'm a loyal type of person.
(Like seriously, I liked my first crush for 6 years, literally from the age 10 until I reached 15 and he wasn't even went the same secondary school as I was. It's crazy how long that I liked him.)

Then I developed a new crush with this guy, I liked him for about a year or so until I found out that he was a total jerk and flirted me just because he was dared (asshole, I know)

and there was some crushes that I don't want to talk about...

Honestly speaking, I'm fine being single. Its fun and I hate majority of the male population in the earth cause they don't support feminism and makes rape jokes and doesn't respect woman.

First of all, fuckboys, rape isn't funny.
Girls basically grew up to be careful with their surroundings instead of male, who grew up to not to be taught that rape is wrong and they should respect women.

What is wrong with this motherfucking world?

That's why we need FEMINISM.

So, back to the point.
The idea of being with someone.

Scared
the
crap
out
of
me.

Like first of all, having a boyfriend.

(OTP ^)

What if, my future boyfriend is boring??
(Oh dear god, please don't)

Like, whenever we have a date, all that he talks about are about his friends instead of himself?

I don't understand why could people be so blunt and boring. I mean, do you have a hobby? A goal? A passion? Are you interest in music? Are you interest in art? Are you interest in films? Photography? Buildings? Cars? Cooking? Money? Anything??!!!

What if, my future boyfriend is manipulative and make me feel bad about myself so I will stick beside him like a slave?
(That's toxic relationship)

Holy shit, that kind of relationship scared me the most because somebody close to me had that kind of relationship.

I mean seriously, if your boyfriend comment negative things that you hate the most about yourself and make you feel bad about it. Run. He's not worthy.

Believe me.

Enough about boyfriend (that topic is insignificant, but whatever), lets talk about marriage.

Husband.

This topic, is so popular among my ex-classmates. And every time they talk about marriage topics, I cringed inside. Because, marriage never came out in my mind before I was put in 4 lambda.

I never imagined myself get marry one day, to be honest.

Ever since I was little, I always said to my mom that I will grow up having my own house and travel the world and have an adopted child and not get marry.

But then, I found out that being single until I die is a sin, so....

my plans flaunted (I still consider being single until I die though.)

I mean, marriage is a serious issue.

It's about trust, support, love.

Marriage isn't about marrying a good looking man or marrying a rich man. Not all good looking man or rich man is a good husband.

What if, when you get married, after years of being together, your partner finally decided he don't love you anymore??? What if he cheats? What if he decides to leave you behind? What if, you're a stay at home mom and he leaves you without any financial support? What if he runs away? What about your kids?

I never fully understand why anybody would cheat with their partner. If you really feel the need to be with somebody else in the same way as you currently are with your partner, be a decent human being and end your relationship to save the person you supposedly love a whole world of unnecessary pain rather than being a piece of shit.

Why you have to be so goddamn greedy and mean?

What if, your husband loves you because of your looks and when it you eventually gain/looses weight and then he leaves you?

Because, people around me, people I care most about, are divorced.
I don't know man, marriage scared me.

It's like a trend in this country for young people get married early or by an arrangement. Yes, it's a good thing, but what about the people who's in their late 20's and 30's that still hasn't marry yet? Especially woman? The gender who always being a target of judgmental aunties-aunties in this country?

Like, what's wrong to be a single, independent women?
What's wrong being a women who have successful careers?

Don't ever blame successful woman because she's successful and couldn't find a man. Blame man that's scared to get near this type of women just because she's brave, independent and have higher salary than men.

Don't even say that women 'need' to get married to give birth to future generations.
That's utterly bullshit.

Some women scared of childbirth.
Some women can't get birth.

I, myself, scared of childbirth.
I'm scared of marrying someone someday, and found out he's such a total prick and doesn't respect me as a wife and as a woman and treats me like his slave.

I watched and see many women rights to prevent this type of thing don't even say that this kind of toxic relationship doesn't exist.

I grew up knowing that as a woman, I need to be careful, around other women and men. Because some of them would take advantage on you because you're nice.

I grew up knowing to let myself be a little selfish so that people never take advantage on me.
Recently, I grew up knowing that I wasn't supposed to be nice, I'm supposed to be kind.

Dear future Husband (if you ever exist),

Allah stated that we all will find our significant others one day.

I hope you're a feminist and not a racist. I hope you're not boring either.
I hope you respect your mom. I hope that you achieve your goals with you, not giving up. I hope you have a decent job. I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope your grades are excellent, because I'm struggling here. I hope we weren't in the same high school because I hate boys in my school. I hope my friends doesn't know you so our relationship would be private (and my friends are all loud and busy body.)

Because I believe in opposite attract,

I hope you like children (because I don't). I hope at least you can dance (because I'm good at dancing) so we can dance in the living room to Frank Sinatra's songs. I hope that you play sports (because I don't). I hope that you're romantic type of person (because I'm not). I hope you socialize well because I have anxiety and I need you to be my side. I hope that you find me beautiful even when I'm drooling in my sleep. I hope that you'll comfort me when I cry finishing a book on 2AM by serving me tea. I hope that you have a soft spot for fashion and I hope you're not a psychopath. I hope you don't have anger issue because I deal with people who have anger issues all my life and I don't need another one. I hope you have a great taste in music. I hope that you will love me forever as I will love you forever. I hope that we sleep every night, we will be cuddling. And, I hope that you shower me kisses and saying I love you everyday.

I hope you never give up in our marriage.

Until the day we meet,
I'll be here, fangirling over fictional characters.

"Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. A woman will always give more than what is necessary to her lover. It is ingrained into her, like maternity. But even when a man loves you more, he will still only be able to meet you halfway."

_____________________________________________________________________

- Amni

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, by Amni :3

Drama~

Those Busted Lips: Prologue has been published!

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, by Amni :3

My Writing

Perfect and Pathetic: The Lost Chapter

I've been on Wattpad in quiet a lot of times.

I've been writing Those Busted Lips and sometimes to kill time, I read stories until I stayed up until 4AM squealing cause cuteness.

I sometimes become SO lazy to edit Perfect and Pathetic.

To be honest, Perfect and Pathetic needs A LOT of editing. It contains a lot of grammar mistakes, sudden disappearance of a character, confusing plot line. To make things short,

it's not perfect.

I'm gonna start editing this story, slowly, yes but it will eventually come together.

So, last night I wrote a chapter for the story. I wanted Eaton and Sarah to have more time together and as their creator, I wanna make that happen.

So! This is the edited version of Chapter 24!

{This is my story. Copyright of Amni Suhana. If you steal this story, my plots, I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

I had spent my time to write Perfect and Pathetic for more than a year don't even dare to steal my characters from me. It's a bad, okay.}

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CHAPTER 24

I'd been tossing and turning on my bed since midnight and I still couldn't sleep. It was already 2AM.

The heavy rain made a lot harder for me. I was sighing in my bed as a lightning strikes.

Pang!

I immediately pulled my sheet up to my face and let out a little scream. "Crap," I muttered.

Before Eaton moved here, I'd been doing fine alone. Rain weren't this hard and scary like now. As if the heaven above ordered me to go to Eaton's room and sleep there.
He did said that if I couldn't stand the rain anymore, I could always come to him.

But, I couldn't. I wasn't ready.

I know that I was married to him and all, but ever since he confessed to me, I got very cautious around him. I never been in love before. Yes, I had crushes but this was different.

Eaton said the he 'love' me not 'like' me. Love was a strong word and he was so serious.
Maybe some of you think I should be grateful that a perfect specimen like Eaton loved me.

You would think; "Come on, Sarah Harrington! He's Eaton Lancaster! The hottest boy at school! He is smart, gorgeous, gentle, filthy rich and athletic! Why is so hard for you to love him?!"

But I just couldn't. Because, surprisingly enough, he was too perfect. For me.

Because every time I thought of me and him, it scared me.

For him to say that he loved me, as if I was a trash that laid on a sidewalk, people never cared until one day this person, Eaton Lancaster, saw me and picked me up, as I could be recycled.

And, I knew him more that other people. He was hurt, immensely, and I didn't want to hurt him more that he has. I was scared, if one day we decided this marriage wasn't a success for both of us and we decided to go to our separate ways, I was scared it I would hurt him more than he was now.

Eaton Lancaster was too perfect for this world and I was nothing compared to him.

The lighting stroked again.

Pang!

"Ah, crap. I can't take this anymore!" I was shaking out of fear. I grabbed my pillow and went to Eaton. Maybe he was soundless sleeping in his room and I could slid beside him. Maybe, I didn't have to talk to him.

My room was opposite of him. We decided to sleep in separate rooms so none of us would feel the awkwardness being together since this marriage was also total bull and money roller.

I knocked his door.

"Come in," his raspy voice answered. I jolted. It's late and he still awake?
I turned to door knob and popped my head inside. I saw him on the corner of him bed, reading a stack of paper, probably a work sheet. "Um...Eath." My voice trailed.

He glanced at me and then paper and stopped and stared at me. He looked shocked to see me inside him room, hugging my pillow on my chest. "San," he breathed.

"I'm sorry to bothering you, but I can't sleep. The rain and the lightings...are just to much for me to handle." I didn't realised that I was crying until I talked.
I hated this felling. I hated that I terrified of lightning, and I hated myself for crying in front of Eaton.

"San..." Eaton placed him work sheet on the side table and walked to me. I didn't notice that he wore a white plain shirt and his blue pyjama bottom that had stars designed on him. I wanted to chuckle, he looked cute.

I was shocked that he pulled me into his arms. I wasn't going to let go. The curve of his shoulder were familiar and his broad chest was warm and the smell of cinnamon soothed me. I sighed in his embrace. How could I not love him?

I laid on the right side of him bed as he tucked me. "Aren't you going to continue what were you doing?" I asked and pointed at the worked sheet on the side table.

"No," he said dryly and went to lay beside me. "Why?" I asked. "It seems important."
He grinned at me and went to touched my hair. "You're my priority." He answered. I felt like I was going to blush but I held back.

The sound of heavy rain inaudible as we stared at each other in silence for a while. He was so near to me and our nose almost touching. His eyes were so magnificent in the dim light. It was blue and green, the colour of the sea, and his blonde hair were pointed everywhere, messy and beautiful. He sheepish smiled hasn't remove from him face since he looked at me. Eaton was in fact, beautiful.

His jaw was crafted perfectly, his cheekbones were hollowed and well defined, placed on his square-shaped face. His straight but plump lips were so pink and if I had the courage, I would already kiss it. His eyelashes were long as flattered, it wasn't fair because he was a boy and he didn't need that.

He shifted a little bit, I didn't realised under the blanket, our legs were intertwined. "Why are you so afraid of lightning?" He asked.

"When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers caged me in this small room, it was dark but there was a small window high above." I breathed and Eaton ran his fingers through my hair several times. I had to admit, it felt good.

I continued, "It was raining everyday and lightnings kept strikes. Everyday, I kept praying that my parents would find me. I was so terrified, I couldn't.....I couldn't take it. The lightnings made it worst. I tried my hardest no to cry so that I could eat because the kidnappers hated when I cried." I stopped for a moment when I saw concerned on his face. "I lost hope the entire time. I thought I was going to die when my parents finally found me."

"But you're here." Eaton said softly. "And you gave millions of reasons for me to stay alive. San, you gave me life."
I cried again, not because of the rain or the lightning, but because of Eaton. He was so perfect. He was sweet and caring and I couldn't ask for more. Eaton was enough.

He pulled me closer, his arms wrapped around my waist until my head was on his chest, with my arms wrapping around his abdomen. We were cuddling. I cocked my head, my lips were almost touching his neck.

"It's late. Sleep." He sighed. I was so comfortable in his arm that I didn't argue. I closed my eyes.

His breathing were steady, so were mine.

"I love you, Sarah Harrington." He whispered softly. He maybe thought that I was sleeping. I could feel his lips kissing my forehead.

If I wasn't sleepy, I would've say the same.

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That's basically Chapter 24 edited version!

Sometimes, I wanted to punch myself for making Eaton to be such a beautiful man.

*Curses self*

- Amni

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, by Amni :3

My Writing

I was in love with this boy

{This is a short story}

I was in love with this boy. No, actually, I am in love with this boy.

He was everything I was hoping for. I met him on the early March of 2013. I found him a little annoying at first. He couldn't shut his mouth, he kept talking all the time. I suspected that he was suffering from ADHD because he also couldn't stay still. When he sat, his legs just couldn't stop jiggling. His hands were always busy doing something, anything. He built a helicopter once by just using straws and kept telling the same jokes every hour.

Before he showed up in my life, it would never crossed my mind to love this kind of boy. He wasn't tall, he wasn't charming, he wasn't handsome. He wasn't anything I like in a guy. His jet-black hair was curly and greasy. He was small, almost resemblance of an elf. His ears were pointy, sharp. His skin was the colour of latte. His eyes were brown but never dull, instead they were always full of excitement, as if he was on drugs. It always sparkled. Sometimes, I wondered what he was thinking in his head of his. He was maybe 5'7 or less, and I was 5'1. I mean, at least I was shorter than him.

Yes, he was annoying. But he was also funny. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he always running his fingers trough his jet-black hair. His smile were magnificent, and he smiled all the time. He was sassy too. He always blast a good comeback when people asked the most stupid questions. He was also passionate. He liked machines, anything that he could lay his hands on to build or fix. When he was busy building or fixing stuff, he would forget that he was human. He forgot to eat, he forget to shower, he forgot to sleep.

Even when he smelled like oil and grease, even when his clothes were tattered, and his hair were everywhere, I couldn't help to find that he was attractive that way. Super hot, if you asked me.

When he talked to the opposite gender, he couldn't stop stammering, as if he was scared that no girl will like him. But I did. I do love him.

His jokes always made me laugh. I was sad when he was sad. When he was concentrating on his machines, I couldn't stop stared at him. His hair fell on his forehead. He was serious, focus. His forehead always crinkled, his hands were slow and steady. He was in his own world. He was, goddamn perfect.

And I was in love with him.

(This is the work of fiction and I was bored so I wrote this)

- Amni