I'm gonna straight up saying this,

Romantic relationship scared me.
Having a boyfriend scared me (more like annoyed but back to the point)

Marriages scared me.

The idea having a partner scared me.



Here are my thoughts,

For 17 nearly 18 years in my life, I studied myself.
I found out that I'm a loyal type of person.
(Like seriously, I liked my first crush for 6 years, literally from the age 10 until I reached 15 and he wasn't even went the same secondary school as I was. It's crazy how long that I liked him.)

Then I developed a new crush with this guy, I liked him for about a year or so until I found out that he was a total jerk and flirted me just because he was dared (asshole, I know)

and there was some crushes that I don't want to talk about...

Honestly speaking, I'm fine being single. Its fun and I hate majority of the male population in the earth cause they don't support feminism and makes rape jokes and doesn't respect woman.

First of all, fuckboys, rape isn't funny.
Girls basically grew up to be careful with their surroundings instead of male, who  grew up to not to be taught that rape is wrong and they should respect women.

What is wrong with this motherfucking world?

That's why we need FEMINISM.

So, back to the point.
The idea of being with someone.

Scared
the
crap
out
of
me.


Like first of all, having a boyfriend.



What if, my future boyfriend is boring??
(Oh dear god, please don't)

Like, whenever we have a date, all that he talks about are about his friends instead of himself?

I don't understand why could people be so blunt and boring. I mean, do you have a hobby? A goal? A passion? Are you interest in music? Are you interest in art? Are you interest in films? Photography? Buildings? Cars? Cooking? Money? Anything??!!!

What if, my future boyfriend is manipulative and make me feel bad about myself so I will stick beside him like a slave?
(That's toxic relationship)

Holy shit, that kind of relationship scared me the most because somebody close to me had that kind of relationship.

I mean seriously, if your boyfriend comment negative things that you hate the most about yourself and make you feel bad about it. Run. He's not worthy.

Believe me.


What if, when you get married, after years of being together, your partner finally decided he don't love you anymore??? What if he cheats? What if he decides to leave you behind? What if, you're a stay at home mom and he leaves you without any financial support? What if he runs away? What about your kids?


I never fully understand why anybody would cheat with their partner. If you really feel the need to be with somebody else in the same way as you currently are with your partner, be a decent human being and end your relationship to save the person you supposedly love a whole world of unnecessary pain rather than being a piece of shit.

Why you have to be so goddamn greedy and mean?


What if, your husband loves you because of your looks and when it you eventually gain/looses weight and then he leaves you?

Because, people around me, people I care most about, are divorced.
 I don't know man, marriage scared me.

It's like a trend in this country for young people get married early or by an arrangement. Yes, it's a good thing, but what about the people who's in their late 20's and 30's that still hasn't marry yet? Especially woman? The gender who always being a target of judgmental aunties-aunties in this country?

Like, what's wrong to be a single, independent women?
What's wrong being a women who have successful careers?

Don't ever blame successful woman because she's successful and couldn't find a man. Blame man that's scared to get near this type of women just because she's brave, independent and have higher salary than men.

Don't even say that women 'need' to get married to give birth to future generations.
That's utterly bullshit.

Some women scared of childbirth.
Some women can't get birth.

I, myself, scared of childbirth.
I'm scared of marrying someone someday, and found out he's such a total prick and doesn't respect me as a wife and as a woman and treats me like his slave.

I watched and see many women rights to prevent this type of thing don't even say that this kind of toxic relationship doesn't exist.

I grew up knowing that as a woman, I need to be careful, around other women and men. Because some of them would take advantage on you because you're nice.

I grew up knowing to let myself be a little selfish so that people never take advantage on me.
Recently, I grew up knowing that I wasn't supposed to be nice, I'm supposed to be kind.




Dear future Husband (if you ever exist),

Allah stated that we all will find our significant others one day.

I hope you're a feminist and not a racist. I hope you're not boring either.
I hope you respect your mom. I hope that you achieve your goals with you, not giving up. I hope you have a decent job. I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope your grades are excellent, because I'm struggling here. I hope we weren't in the same high school because I hate boys in my school. I hope my friends doesn't know you so our relationship would be private (and my friends are all loud and busy body.)

Because I believe in opposite attract,

I hope you like children (because I don't). I hope at least you can dance (because I'm good at dancing) so we can dance in the living room to Frank Sinatra's songs. I hope that you play sports (because I don't). I hope that you're romantic type of person (because I'm not). I hope you socialize well because I have anxiety and I need you to be my side. I hope that you find me beautiful even when I'm drooling in my sleep. I hope that you'll comfort me when I cry finishing a book on 2AM by serving me tea. I hope that you have a soft spot for fashion and I hope you're not a psychopath. I hope you don't have anger issue because I deal with people who have anger issues all my life and I don't need another one. I hope you have a great taste in music. I hope that you will love me forever as I will love you forever. I hope that we sleep every night, we will be cuddling. And, I hope that you shower me kisses and saying I love you everyday.

I hope you never give up in our marriage.


Until the day we meet,
I'll be here, fangirling over fictional characters.