Heyyy. Haiiii. Helloooo.
Yeah, I know I've been DEAD for the past few months on this website but I HAVE a reason though:
I was (maybe still is) suffered from writer's block.
I really didn't know what to write. If I had an idea, I completely dismissed them because some of the drafts I wrote would probably get me kill if I post it.
Just a quick thought: *whispers* I was planning to write this post (The topic: Degree Life) after I finish my finals but I just CAN'T-!
The week stresses me out and bored me out sO much I feel like I would die doing nothing. (unless it related to school aka stuDYING)
I feel so Drained...
It is not like I feel like this just recently. I feel drained since I started my first semester, first year of my degree life.
Before I even started this semester, my landlord called me and told us to move to upper floor. I was a at home and she didn't even called my housemates.
So, a week and a half before I start my orientation, I drove back and forth from my house to my uni condo to move my stuff along with our kitchen cabinets, tv and I had to install a wifi under my name.
Mind you, I just got my license that time (after many times of failure, another time, I'll tell), so obviously I was freaking the hell out driving because a) My uni is in KL b) Have you see Malaysian drivers c) B*bi no parking. d) PETROL
And then, came the orientation, It was the whole day and I was so exhausted from moving and I had to go because maybe there was something important happening.
It was so awkward.
My friend and I was the only two person in our batch (I think) that took a break before starting our degree. So, there were only us, no other friends there, some of our friends were facilitators, so it was awkward.
And we were surrounded by new kids,
Before I even started this semester, my landlord called me and told us to move to upper floor. I was a at home and she didn't even called my housemates.
So, a week and a half before I start my orientation, I drove back and forth from my house to my uni condo to move my stuff along with our kitchen cabinets, tv and I had to install a wifi under my name.
Mind you, I just got my license that time (after many times of failure, another time, I'll tell), so obviously I was freaking the hell out driving because a) My uni is in KL b) Have you see Malaysian drivers c) B*bi no parking. d) PETROL
And then, came the orientation, It was the whole day and I was so exhausted from moving and I had to go because maybe there was something important happening.
It was so awkward.
My friend and I was the only two person in our batch (I think) that took a break before starting our degree. So, there were only us, no other friends there, some of our friends were facilitators, so it was awkward.
And we were surrounded by new kids,
and the most time that the orientation consumed, was for the new kids so for like seven hours, it was a long, boring lectures that we had already heard.
I don't know if it's just me, I feel mentally exhausted that for the first month of the semester, I barely did anything except waking up for class.
I also woke up super ate like three/four hours before class and imagine all the fajr that I missed made me resilient and demotivated.
Life and responsibility attacked me so frequently this semester.
Kageyama: Me. Volleyball: Life
Okay maybe, it is a very pressured semester because it is a short semester. We have to fasten all our activities for our works and while aiming for good grades.
I admit I'm the type of person who's aware of inferiority. I know what I suck at, I'm my bad habits and I know I'm a cautions freak I am. But I'm where I stand. But with my inferiority plus my irregular silent competitive nature, my insecurities just blew up.
1) I'm the youngest one amongst my classmates. Although, I never feel like I'm the youngest around them, I still feel like I lack confidence. Because they're older than me, I lack of life experiences compared to them.
2) One class for this semester includes a lot, I mean A LOT of class participation. Which was exhausting. I'm grateful to expressed my opinions and my works but if its too much, it would exhaust me mentality. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking, per-say. Because if I want to talk, I would super enthusiastic and never stop talking and when I don't want to talk, I couldn't think of a word and that making me spurted some jumbled up doesn't make sense crap.
Does my depression at starting to come back? Well, in a sense yeah, but, I don't feel like it getting worst. I'm better at taking care of it now, the older I get.
Is my anxiety try to attack me? Nah. Compared to my foundation self, I'm pretty chill now.
I. AM. JUST. SUPER. DEMOTIVATED.
That's it.
My negative ass needs to get a grip and stop trying to fit the Capricorn stereotype of being stuck-up, boring, cynical little human.
*sips Chatime milk tea*
Now, it's already finals' month and after that I'm going to experience working and I either gotta end up being motivated or not.
The things is, this is my mentality. I kept thinking of being demotivated and tired that's why I'm don't feel enough for this past few months.
Growing up equals to more responsibilities coming. Equals to a lot of mental breakdowns moments, equals to you need to keep up and push yourself because no one gonna do it for you (even your mom).
Happy thoughts, guys. Happy thoughts.
To be honest, I don't know and want to write more.
So, bye bye~
-Amni.
