Heyyy. Haiiii. Helloooo.

Yeah, I know I've been DEAD for the past few months on this website but I HAVE a reason though:

I was (maybe still is) suffered from writer's block.

I really didn't know what to write. If I had an idea, I completely dismissed them because some of the drafts I wrote would probably get me kill if I post it. 

Just a quick thought: *whispers* I was planning to write this post (The topic: Degree Life) after I finish my finals but I just CAN'T-!

The week stresses me out and bored me out sO much I feel like I would die doing nothing. (unless it related to school aka stuDYING) 

I feel so Drained...

It is not like I feel like this just recently. I feel drained since I started my first semester, first year of my degree life.


Before I even started this semester, my landlord called me and told us to move to upper floor. I was a at home and she didn't even called my housemates.

So, a week and a half before I start my orientation, I drove back and forth from my house to my uni condo to move my stuff along with our kitchen cabinets, tv and I had to install a wifi under my name.

Mind you, I just got my license that time (after many times of failure, another time, I'll tell), so obviously I was freaking the hell out driving because a) My uni is in KL b) Have you see Malaysian drivers c) B*bi no parking. d) PETROL

And then, came the orientation, It was the whole day and I was so exhausted from moving and I had to go because maybe there was something important happening.

It was so awkward.

My friend and I was the only two person in our batch (I think) that took a break before starting our degree. So, there were only us, no other friends there, some of our friends were facilitators, so it was awkward.

And we were surrounded by new kids,

and the most time that the orientation consumed, was for the new kids so for like seven hours, it was a long, boring lectures that we had already heard. 

I don't know if it's just me, I feel mentally exhausted that for the first month of the semester, I barely did anything except waking up for class.

I also woke up super ate like three/four hours before class and imagine all the fajr that I missed made me resilient and demotivated.

Life and responsibility attacked me so frequently this semester.



Kageyama: Me. Volleyball: Life

Okay maybe, it is a very pressured semester because it is a short semester. We have to fasten all our activities for our works and while aiming for good grades.

I admit I'm the type of person who's aware of inferiority. I know what I suck at, I'm my bad habits and I know I'm a cautions freak I am. But I'm where I stand. But with my inferiority plus my irregular silent competitive nature, my insecurities just blew up.

1) I'm the youngest one amongst my classmates. Although, I never feel like I'm the youngest around them, I still feel like I lack confidence. Because they're older than me, I lack of life experiences compared to them.

2)  One class for this semester includes a lot, I mean A LOT of class participation. Which was exhausting. I'm grateful to expressed my opinions and my works but if its too much, it would exhaust me mentality. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking, per-say. Because if I want to talk, I would super enthusiastic and never stop talking and when I don't want to talk, I couldn't think of a word and that making me spurted some jumbled up doesn't make sense crap.

Does my depression at starting to come back? Well, in a sense yeah, but, I don't feel like it getting worst. I'm better at taking care of it now, the older I get.

Is my anxiety try to attack me? Nah. Compared to my foundation self, I'm pretty chill now.

I. AM. JUST. SUPER. DEMOTIVATED.
That's it.



My negative ass needs to get a grip and stop trying to fit the Capricorn stereotype of being stuck-up, boring, cynical little human.

*sips Chatime milk tea*

Now, it's already finals' month and after that I'm going to experience working and I either gotta end up being motivated or not.

The things is, this is my mentality. I kept thinking of being demotivated and tired that's why I'm don't feel enough for this past few months.

Growing up equals to more responsibilities coming. Equals to a lot of mental breakdowns moments, equals to you need to keep up and push yourself because no one gonna do it for you (even your mom).

Happy thoughts, guys. Happy thoughts.

To be honest, I don't know and want to write more.

So, bye bye~

-Amni.

Since I entered uni, I've been so independent.

Not like, "Oh, I entered college yay I finally free from my cage!" kind of independent. It's;
"I can only rely on myself and God." kind of independent.

Whenever I saw a high schoolers whose excited to enter uni, I laughed evilly inside cause YA DON'T KNOW. YA DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH STRUGGLES WE FRESHMEN FACE.
(But, this I promise you, uni is better than high school in MANY ways.)

I know that some of the people (or even friends) that judge me cause I didn't entered a government's uni. (Even when I got one college for pharmacy major lol (I suck at chemistry, thanks by the way.))
I know, private Uni is expensive as fuck (I'm not rich either), I know I'm really slow especially in my studies and I know fangirl a lot than studying.

But to be honest with you guys, deep inside, I'm grateful that I didn't entered a government's uni.

I've complain a lot about how many tests and assignments and how hard this sem subjects are. I couldn't imagine myself entered a government uni which I know they have new assignments every week and it's scary if you get a course that you CAN DO (but you don't have interest on).
I know some of you guys didn't have any choice because if I was you, I would enter a government uni/ politeknik/matriks even if it's not the course I wanted.

Maybe, that's why I didn't get my UPU. Allah knows I cannot handle that kind of journey.


A learning process.

Hmm. What did I learn for the past months?

1. English is IMPORTANT.

For a foundation in arts student leading to English (I entered a private Uni just because I want to major in English cause government's uni takde course English (TESL is different). Yeah.)

I have to speak English everyday for my daily communication, I didn't have any problem with that. I have to do my assignments in English, EVERYTHING is in English.
I do struggle but, I love it.

I don't care why people always judge other people who prefer speaking in English or why judging people who majoring in arts or language or history.

I think, in this world, we need more people who love poetry, words, cultures and live for love.
Because I found these people beautiful.



2. I've made friends with many races.

Growing up as a mixed blood, of course I've been misunderstood and being racist by people. And I got used to it and I pretty good at detect it too haha (17 years 8 months experience)

Having many friends from different races is SO COOL and you get to learn a lot about other cultures (I learn chinese a little in the process) and using a lot of bahasa rojak (no regrets).
Yes, some people are racist, some of them just don't care and I don't care about them either. I do feel grateful that I found friends in Uni (It surprised me too)

3. I need to struggle more.

I'm not a studious person but I am an ambitious person. For me to get to learn English in degree I NEED TO pass this foundation. I HAVE TO. I never studied this hard in my life. I've never been this careful of a person on my studies in my life until I entered college.

And I have to learn and even cry a little bit and get up and study.
I knew for a long time that I'm not a person who's blessed with smartness or looks.
But, I'm grateful that I've been blessed to have passion and doing the things I love.

4. I need become a professional in my works.

WORK HARD, PLAY HARDER. - Jung Taekwoon

Seriously, I'm shocked myself on how commit I am in my works. *Pats dear self*
And I need to improve more.

People around me always say that I'm very professional in my works but seriously, I'm also a careless person and easily feeling down and anxiety always consumed me every single day. But without anxiety, I'll never know what I'm capable of and I'll never know myself.

5. I need Allah more than I needed him before.

I did cried a lot when I first entered uni. To be honest with you guys, I nearly give up on studying this sem subjects because I did found it really hard. I did cry everyday. I still overthink. I did have a hard time making friends. I did have A LOT of issues. And, the only positive thing that kept sticking in my head and my heart is that, I have Allah by my side, And I can rely on him (even when I was giving up on myself).

I'm not a perfect muslim.
 I do sometimes missed my daily prayers. I don't wear hijab on my head. I swear a lot. I read smut. I enjoy looking at attractive people. I spend a lot of time fangirling that studying or doing other important things. I don't make reading Quran as a daily activity. I'm not perfect.

But I do remember this,
Your Iman will increase and decrease. It's up to you to chose what path.

Everyday, I asked Allah to make this day better than yesterday.
I asked him to give me strength for my journey in foundation. I ask him to never let me get distracted on things.

I do try my best to pray five times a day. I do try my best to read Quran and Selawat everyday. I try everyday to be a better muslim.

And I feel, not better, but my anxiety is lesser than it was. I feel more...free and calm.

But as a human, we never get run from these things.
I do feel stress. I don't get enough sleep. I'm mentally tired.

But, it's all parts of a learning process.

I got my SPM result today.

I'm actually really satisfied about it.

Okay, I know it is a result that shouldn't been brag about BUT I'M BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

I think that I DESERVED to get that result.

Clearly, not because I got an excellent result.

I know my limit. I'm not smart. When it comes to maths, I sucks so BAD.

But, looking back at last year, I was pathetically really depressed. I had social issues. I couldn't sleep well, or eat well and I couldn't study well.

Looking back at my trial result, let me just say, my trial result I got no A's. I failed at three of my elective subjects. My History and BM score flaunted. My Math was worst. I didn't get and A for my English.

And it got me feeling depressed even more.

I studied for BM so hard, because I really wanted to ace my mother tongue. I studied Math, especially in paper 2. I studied History like crazy. I studied English more that any subjects. I studied Physics because I could at least pass this subject.

I'm a very anxious person. I really want my English and History to get A's. The two subjects are favourite subjects.

My best friend and I just hoped at least, we will get 2A's for SPM.

And,

Alhamdulillah, we got better than that.

I know some of you guys are sad with your result and keep questioning why I'm not, because, logically, thinking back, I was in the lowest. ranking grades score in my class. I was not good at Maths nor Chemistry or even Engineering.

And I know that. I tried really hard for my English, when trial came and I got B for it, I really felt like crying and since then I studied really hard because English is my passion. I love languages, English is my favourite. History too, god, I love history. That subject was never boring to me. 

And Maths, I hoped I pass in average scale, And I did.

The thing is, your result doesn't define who you are. Maybe you result is bad, but look at the bright side, Allah have better plans for you. Maybe not now, but in the future.

You'll never know God's plans.

Go have tea, okay?

- Amni

It's almost 5:AM of 8 February of 2015.

I have insomnia. I couldn't sleep *le cries*

So bare with me. 

Cause my Malay sucks.

And this post contain lots of excessive Malay swear words.

Sebenarya Aku Rindu

A.SUHANA

Aku rindu classmates aku.

Budak-budak Lambda (13-14)

Aku rindu Nabilah, Hafa, Alyaa, Syazni.

Aku rindu borak pasal indie bands and hot guys dengan Nabilah.

Aku rindu nak tahu movies best-best dari Syazni.

Aku rindu nak borak pasal Korea dengan Alyaa.

Aku rindu anime recommendations dari Hafa.

Aku rindu nak tahu pasal sejarah and politik dengan Fakhrul and Danial.

Aku rindu berdebat dengan Asyraf, walaupun sometimes dia buat aku nak nangis dengan mulutnya.

Aku rindu dengan nyanyian narcissus Shazreen.

Aku rindu Achamp yang selalu tak datang sekolah, macam biskut.

Aku rindu pandangan pelik Shukri bagi kat aku.

Aku rindu Armin yang selalu kacau aku.

Aku rindu bunyi bising dan lawak bodoh yang Ammar and Aiman buat.

Aku rindu bunyi meja diketuk buat lagu Indon yang aku tak pernah tahu dari Asyraf and Ainul.

Aku rindu nak borak dengan Wafiy.

Aku rindu Hadi, yang selalu marah aku time study math.

Aku rindu Aiman, ketua kelas paling diam pernah aku jumpa.

Aku rindu si awkward Ariffin.

Aku rindu macam mana dengan bangganya Aiman cakap pasal lukisan,

Aku rindu macam mana aku kenal Azrul dari tahun 6 tapi tak fully kenal dia pun.

Aku rindu Haqim yang selalu kena perli sebab dia Singaporean.

Aku rindu Afif yang aku tak pernah cakap dengan dia lebih dari 5 minit.

Aku rindu (kesian sebenarnya) kat Faizzul yang selalu kena buli.

Aku rindu si ketua pelajar, Fareez, yang bajet tough,

Aku rindu gelak kuat Arissa dan kesopanan Amira.

Aku rindu Nabihah, yang selalu cantik.

Aku rindu Atikah, yang selalu ada dengan aku kalau aku ada masalah.

Sebenarnya aku rindu.

Dan Kelas 5 Lambda, yang terletak di hujung dunia, sudah menjadi kenangan bagi aku.

kenangan terindah (actually kenangan paling gila)

Aku tak pernah terfikir yang aku akan duduk kat kelas yang paling aku hargai time form 3.

Tapi aku dapat kelas macam tu time aku form 4, aku actually lega and happy.

Walaupun aku tak post gambar budak Lambda kat insta, 

(Gambar korang semua dah hilang kt iPod T_T)

Aku tetap teringat kat korang setiap hari dalam hidup aku yang menunggu result SPM ni...

"I don't like people generally, but I like people individually."

Lambda... is...better than words.

“In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive.” 

― Haruki Murakami

Listen.

I'm a teenager.

High school sucks.

Stress upon stress.

Family problems, Friends problems.

Problems upon problems.

Study just to get good grades.

Depression, anxiety.

Got new friend, lost friend.

Parents fighting, Siblings fighting.

My room is only the place that I love.

My house is not my home.

Facing pretty girls and jerks at school.

Low self-esteem.

Not good enough.

Problems we face as Teenagers.

And sadly, the things I listed are normal.

We all basically face the same thing.

For those who have the same problems as me *pats you on the back*

So instead of babbling about how my life fucking sucks, I'll give you list that will guide you to be happier (or sassier) person.

At least on the outside so people doesn't know you're sad inside.

Okay?

Friendly reminder that are things are all my suggestions. 

Can I get a drum roll please *drum rolls*

1. Drink Tea.

So, I was absent when this happened; 

My English teacher told us to make a POEM about nature.

 When she was explaining about the poem that my classmates did,

Well, I try myself,

in just 10 minutes.

So this is it, my poem:

I'M JUST LIKE NATURE

Nature was beautiful, nature was magic.

I always feel hectic and always feel pathetic,

I was never a flower nor even a tree,

I'm just a yellow, old, dead leaf.

Like trees in the city, I have scars and bruises,

and like trees, every time I care too much, my scar re-bruise

and reopen.

Trust me, I was never a princess, I was never a knight,

I'm just a teenage girl who is trying to be polite.

I am a hollow soul who stood like a tree,

Observing people and people never notice me.

- A.S

Last Wednesday,

Our English teacher gave us an interesting topic to write about;

'Describe Your Classmates.'

But, I didn't able to finished it because of the time and the guys are so annoying around me and the teacher wanted us to hand in the work even we were not finish.

Because of  unsatisfaction in my heart,

I gonna write it in mah blog :3

P.s: Gonna start it from the person who sat next to the door.

Now the boys... *evil laugh*

• Acap is our class monitor. Probably the only guy that intimidating to me and Nabilah. When he smiles, his teeth will showing his braces, which is suitable on him. A cheeky guy with a sprinkle of perverted attitude. 

• Ainul. I don't know what happened to him. He was a quite guy last year but this year, he already became an annoying mumbling guy. Like to tease us girls and have a seriously issue that he taught he is Harry Styles. 

• Aiman Nordin is our famous Sleeping Beauty. He can sleep anywhere, even if the teacher's around.

• Ammar is our infamous 'troublemaker'. Teachers tend to hate his jokes but we classmates like it. Very a Loya Buruk guy. And a very good engineering student. He only going to do his engineering homework and ignore the other subjects.

• Fareez is the only prefect in our class. His laugh is so funny and likes to call my name and ignore me after that. Always came to class late and like to hit and pushing people. Thank god I'm a girl. I don't get pushed! Victory to me!

• Ariffin. A quite guy that have something that he keeps for himself. Have better chemistry grades than me. I have been waiting for ages for him to finish his three heads dragon drawing. Still, he doesn't even finish it...

• Hadi kinda reminded me of the comedian, Senario's Lan. He's really really really good at math. He even can teach us well too. But when it comes to English and Bm, he doesn't even have the interest to do it. Have the most adorable personality and kinda blur.

• Noor Aiman. He's like the guy in a poem called 'Mr. Nobody.' He's so quite but really good at chemistry. He's the cool guy in our class.

• Shazreen already sold 20 albums to us. Zayn Malik is his idol and his inspiration on hair. He sings a lot, I mean ALOT.

• Achamp, the 'biscuit' guy. Really love things that involves theater. Often absent from school due to his theater schedule. And he also good at drawing.

• Azrul, his mother is our BM teacher. Our geng because he didn't even touches the homework that his mother gave. He's my brother friend. A small world isn't it?

• Fakhrul. KEBAB KEBAB KEBAB. Easily falls in love with pretty girls. Makes majority of the girls hates him. I heard the her mother sell the world best nasi lemak. Fakhrul, when you nak bawa?? Aku nak makan ni...

• Asyraf is good at English. Like to argue with me that involve politics, books and grammar. The librarian. A father in our class cause he babbles a lot.

• Daniel like politics and history alot. Once argue about Greek mythology with Fakhrul for hours, none stop. Have a futuristic kind of mind.

• Wafiy is my friend. Likes to hit me with his elastic ruler. Can teach me well on Engineering drawing. The one word that girls describe him; Annoying!!

• Haqim. He's unpredictable. I don't know how to describe him. He's not loud or whatsoever, he just, Haqim. The Singaporian. 

• Aiman Rafique. An animator. He currently try to draw us classmate. When a teacher teaches, you will probably see him drawing.

• Afif started to get kinda quite after Haziq Ariffin left for his new school in KL. He always ask me for my gum. Entah dia buat apa dengan gam aku...

• Armin, my bro! Because our names rhymes. The longer I look at him, he looks kinda similar to my real brother. Tall, skinny and weird! Same just like brother about 80%

• Shukri, Armin's bff. He likes to daydream alot. Termenung jauh gitu~~ He tend to brings his action figures to school and his Lawak Campus comics.

• Faizzul like to talk about games. The teacher's target other than Hadi. The other guys  like to tease him so much. Kinda pity of him.

Having only 8 girls and 22 boys kinda hard to handle. 

Fortunately, this class isn't serious.

Unfortunately, this class isn't serious either.

we're in 50/50 condition whether the teachers either hate us or like us.

Either way, we don't give a single damn.

This year, we just wanna make memories plus try to study hard even the world kinda messed up right now.

Now, my heart is satisfied and I have to do some chores.

Bye!

- A LAMBDARIAN.

Me without Braces felt like a part of me missing.

Almost nearly 3 years I wore braces and I finally opened it...

Actually I didn't expected to opened today,

Dah beria-ria pilih warna untuk braces last-last Dentist cakap dah boleh buka.

STRESS!!

Dahlah tibe-tibe je....

Seriously, my gums feel so numb right now and my teeth look so big and awkward without my braces.

Seriously, I miss my braces *le cries*

So, sesiapa yang baik tolong give this books as a present... hehe ;)

I don't know why my books are sooooo hard to find in the local book store.

YOU'RE FREAKING BOOK STORE. YOU SELL BOOKS BUT YOU DON'T HAVE BOOKS I WANT. THE HELL???!!!!!!
Come here, just let me handle your store.

Anyways, I salute Kinokuniya and Borders.
Buku aku nak mesti ada kat situ.

I have a fever right now. Great. Next week is exam and I'm sick. Just, great.