I literally embarrassed myself in school today.
So I'm gonna write about it.
So, I found out I chosen for PLKN.
And I was sacred and I cried when I called my mom.
I really don't want to go.
Not because I scare if my skin will get darker or the military stuff I will do.
Just because I am a mixed blood.
My mom's side of the family,
many of them married Chinese.
That's include my grandparents.
My grandma was a Chinese. My grandpa's mom was a Chinese. My mom looks like a Chinese.
And me, of all my siblings, I look like a Chinese the most.
And I terrified.
I'm scare if I go to PLKN that I will not have any friends.
Because I'm a mixed. This terrified me since I was in primary school.
People who isn't mixed blood never understands how hard we (mixed blood) tried to make friends.
Malay would think we're Chinese/Indians and Chinese/Indians will think we're Malay. And eventually they will not talk to us.
Honestly speaking, JUST ADMIT IT.
Mostly, people in our country are RACIST.
And I'm scared.
You know how hard for me when I was in primary school to make friends?
It was so hard because of racist people and till now it is hard too...
And talking about racism with my seatmate (She's mixed blood too)
It scared us. Just because we look so obvious like other races and we don't look like a Malay at all.
And remembering what I was like in primary school-
I cried.
The most hurtful thing is, I don't understand why even teachers are racist.
You guys are adults. You supposed to understand us.
Not judging us.
Why we mixed blood, feel like it is a sin to be born as a mixed blood?
Why we always been judge and labelled everywhere we go?
What we did wrong?
Why is so hard for you guys to accept us for who we are?
We didn't ask to be born mixed blood. We didn't asked for our skin colour. We didn't asked to have pointed nose, narrow eyes of even good at things that other race couldn't do.
We didn't asked for any of this yet, we tried to accept it.
So, back to the main reason I'm writing this.
I cried like literally I sobbed.
And then I become calm and stop crying.
But, I was still remembering all the bad things happened in primary school.
Friendless, being judge, etc.
And then my classmates took my water bottle without my permission and water our class' plant outside,
And they finished all the water in my bottle.
Which was half before they took and watered the plant.
And they laughed (like they usually did) and gave my bottle back.
I didn't went mad,
Instead I cried.
NOT BECAUSE OF THE WATER BOTTLE I SWEAR.
I broke down because of the memories of being ignore cause I'm a mixed blood.
And the whole class knew I was crying back then.
I wasn't embarrassed of my actions. They're my classmates. I don't a crap if they saw me cry.
But, when I cried,
I didn't realised that some of the pupils of other class came to my class.
And now, I felt the embarrassment.
They were boys in my class!
Holy shit, they near me when I broke down and my classmates, being the big mouth they are, yelled,
"Weih! Sumpah do Amni nangis!"
Well, thank you Lambdarians, I love you for that.
That was what I recalled.
I didn't realised they were in my class when I cried.
My seatmate told me when I stopped crying.
And I swear I'm gonna live in a cave after this.
I'm so embarrass!!
They boys in my class were one of the popular boys in school.
Well, now they think I'm a fucking bimbo who cried over an empty water bottle.
Whoop! There goes my social life.
*Throws confetti at myself for being an oblivious idiot.*
But honestly though.
It always feel nice to have a place that you know that you're belong.
- Amni (I'm so stupid ughh)
