I write a lot. 

To fanfics, vampires, *cough* smut *cough* contemporaries, and also romance.

But, I never write an authentic short story.

So, the times when I had insomnia, I wrote this. It has become a habit before I fell asleep to think about the plot and how are things I want it to flow.

I called my short story:

- Amni

Since I entered uni, I've been so independent.

Not like, "Oh, I entered college yay I finally free from my cage!" kind of independent. It's;
"I can only rely on myself and God." kind of independent.

Whenever I saw a high schoolers whose excited to enter uni, I laughed evilly inside cause YA DON'T KNOW. YA DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH STRUGGLES WE FRESHMEN FACE.
(But, this I promise you, uni is better than high school in MANY ways.)

I know that some of the people (or even friends) that judge me cause I didn't entered a government's uni. (Even when I got one college for pharmacy major lol (I suck at chemistry, thanks by the way.))
I know, private Uni is expensive as fuck (I'm not rich either), I know I'm really slow especially in my studies and I know fangirl a lot than studying.

But to be honest with you guys, deep inside, I'm grateful that I didn't entered a government's uni.

I've complain a lot about how many tests and assignments and how hard this sem subjects are. I couldn't imagine myself entered a government uni which I know they have new assignments every week and it's scary if you get a course that you CAN DO (but you don't have interest on).
I know some of you guys didn't have any choice because if I was you, I would enter a government uni/ politeknik/matriks even if it's not the course I wanted.

Maybe, that's why I didn't get my UPU. Allah knows I cannot handle that kind of journey.


A learning process.

Hmm. What did I learn for the past months?

1. English is IMPORTANT.

For a foundation in arts student leading to English (I entered a private Uni just because I want to major in English cause government's uni takde course English (TESL is different). Yeah.)

I have to speak English everyday for my daily communication, I didn't have any problem with that. I have to do my assignments in English, EVERYTHING is in English.
I do struggle but, I love it.

I don't care why people always judge other people who prefer speaking in English or why judging people who majoring in arts or language or history.

I think, in this world, we need more people who love poetry, words, cultures and live for love.
Because I found these people beautiful.



2. I've made friends with many races.

Growing up as a mixed blood, of course I've been misunderstood and being racist by people. And I got used to it and I pretty good at detect it too haha (17 years 8 months experience)

Having many friends from different races is SO COOL and you get to learn a lot about other cultures (I learn chinese a little in the process) and using a lot of bahasa rojak (no regrets).
Yes, some people are racist, some of them just don't care and I don't care about them either. I do feel grateful that I found friends in Uni (It surprised me too)

3. I need to struggle more.

I'm not a studious person but I am an ambitious person. For me to get to learn English in degree I NEED TO pass this foundation. I HAVE TO. I never studied this hard in my life. I've never been this careful of a person on my studies in my life until I entered college.

And I have to learn and even cry a little bit and get up and study.
I knew for a long time that I'm not a person who's blessed with smartness or looks.
But, I'm grateful that I've been blessed to have passion and doing the things I love.

4. I need become a professional in my works.

WORK HARD, PLAY HARDER. - Jung Taekwoon

Seriously, I'm shocked myself on how commit I am in my works. *Pats dear self*
And I need to improve more.

People around me always say that I'm very professional in my works but seriously, I'm also a careless person and easily feeling down and anxiety always consumed me every single day. But without anxiety, I'll never know what I'm capable of and I'll never know myself.

5. I need Allah more than I needed him before.

I did cried a lot when I first entered uni. To be honest with you guys, I nearly give up on studying this sem subjects because I did found it really hard. I did cry everyday. I still overthink. I did have a hard time making friends. I did have A LOT of issues. And, the only positive thing that kept sticking in my head and my heart is that, I have Allah by my side, And I can rely on him (even when I was giving up on myself).

I'm not a perfect muslim.
 I do sometimes missed my daily prayers. I don't wear hijab on my head. I swear a lot. I read smut. I enjoy looking at attractive people. I spend a lot of time fangirling that studying or doing other important things. I don't make reading Quran as a daily activity. I'm not perfect.

But I do remember this,
Your Iman will increase and decrease. It's up to you to chose what path.

Everyday, I asked Allah to make this day better than yesterday.
I asked him to give me strength for my journey in foundation. I ask him to never let me get distracted on things.

I do try my best to pray five times a day. I do try my best to read Quran and Selawat everyday. I try everyday to be a better muslim.

And I feel, not better, but my anxiety is lesser than it was. I feel more...free and calm.

But as a human, we never get run from these things.
I do feel stress. I don't get enough sleep. I'm mentally tired.

But, it's all parts of a learning process.

"Where have you been for the past four months?"

Guys, it called college.

(I like use the term College more than University (college sounds more chill.))

I actually want to start blogging again after finals.

Nope, I still haven't finished my first sem.

I just want to write this.

For the past week, I felt weirdly nostalgic.

Since I started college, I don't have time for doing the things I love.

I don't have time to read and I don't even feeling like reading. I'm in a HUGE reading slump.

I don't feel like drawing cause it takes time and I don't have any.

I don't even watch any tv shows or movies, If I watched them, believe me when I say that I only watched half of it cause my hostel's Internet is shit.

Heck, I don't have time to even write my story in Wattpad.

All I did after going home from class, my thoughts are, "I need sleep."

And sleep I did.

After my midterm for my 4 subjects (I have 5 subjects this semester),

I suddenly remembered that I haven't watch Vixx's One Fine Day.

And one night I was like, "Hey, why not watch it now?"

And I watched it. And I felt really, really empty.

I don't know about you guys, I'm a fangirl since I entered teen hood.

I've been a fangirl since I was 13.

And, watching one of my favourite boy groups, I felt a pang of sadness on my heart.

Yes, firstly, I missed them.

And then, I realised how unhappy I was.

___________

My first month of college, I cried a lot.

(I don't want to write about my college life because I want to keep this topic after finals.)

I realised how in my high school years, I spent on my obsession over books, music, movies, and I was... at least happy for the things I did.

Like everyone, my high school years, sucked.

But, the things I love I did, it made the sad years a little okay.

I don't want to be sad again.

I know I complain about college a lot (especially in whatsapp), but I don't want you guys to think that I'm ungrateful...I just really missed talking to the people I know and staying in new place, studying in new school and not knowing anyone, is really damn hard.

Now, I'm nothing but a tired atom.

At some point of my life, these three boy bands were my source of happiness. They were the one who made my life better in high school years and they are still here, to give me strength everyday through their music and personalities.

I missed this feeling. I missed it so, so much.

I missed being happy through these little things.

Ever since watching Vixx's One Fine Day, I laughed a lot.

And I realised I grew up.

I'm not ready to be an adult. (Honestly, I just want to be a fangirling teenager for the longest time as I want).

Grew up sucks but, realising that make me feel stronger, somehow.

And, no, I will never forget those people, those fictional characters that make me have strength to face my everyday life. I'm honestly, feeling such gratitude for them.

Because if it wasn't for these people, my former and now source of happiness (and Allah), I'm not what I am today.