Since I entered uni, I've been so independent.

Not like, "Oh, I entered college yay I finally free from my cage!" kind of independent. It's;
"I can only rely on myself and God." kind of independent.

Whenever I saw a high schoolers whose excited to enter uni, I laughed evilly inside cause YA DON'T KNOW. YA DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH STRUGGLES WE FRESHMEN FACE.
(But, this I promise you, uni is better than high school in MANY ways.)

I know that some of the people (or even friends) that judge me cause I didn't entered a government's uni. (Even when I got one college for pharmacy major lol (I suck at chemistry, thanks by the way.))
I know, private Uni is expensive as fuck (I'm not rich either), I know I'm really slow especially in my studies and I know fangirl a lot than studying.

But to be honest with you guys, deep inside, I'm grateful that I didn't entered a government's uni.

I've complain a lot about how many tests and assignments and how hard this sem subjects are. I couldn't imagine myself entered a government uni which I know they have new assignments every week and it's scary if you get a course that you CAN DO (but you don't have interest on).
I know some of you guys didn't have any choice because if I was you, I would enter a government uni/ politeknik/matriks even if it's not the course I wanted.

Maybe, that's why I didn't get my UPU. Allah knows I cannot handle that kind of journey.


A learning process.

Hmm. What did I learn for the past months?

1. English is IMPORTANT.

For a foundation in arts student leading to English (I entered a private Uni just because I want to major in English cause government's uni takde course English (TESL is different). Yeah.)

I have to speak English everyday for my daily communication, I didn't have any problem with that. I have to do my assignments in English, EVERYTHING is in English.
I do struggle but, I love it.

I don't care why people always judge other people who prefer speaking in English or why judging people who majoring in arts or language or history.

I think, in this world, we need more people who love poetry, words, cultures and live for love.
Because I found these people beautiful.



2. I've made friends with many races.

Growing up as a mixed blood, of course I've been misunderstood and being racist by people. And I got used to it and I pretty good at detect it too haha (17 years 8 months experience)

Having many friends from different races is SO COOL and you get to learn a lot about other cultures (I learn chinese a little in the process) and using a lot of bahasa rojak (no regrets).
Yes, some people are racist, some of them just don't care and I don't care about them either. I do feel grateful that I found friends in Uni (It surprised me too)

3. I need to struggle more.

I'm not a studious person but I am an ambitious person. For me to get to learn English in degree I NEED TO pass this foundation. I HAVE TO. I never studied this hard in my life. I've never been this careful of a person on my studies in my life until I entered college.

And I have to learn and even cry a little bit and get up and study.
I knew for a long time that I'm not a person who's blessed with smartness or looks.
But, I'm grateful that I've been blessed to have passion and doing the things I love.

4. I need become a professional in my works.

WORK HARD, PLAY HARDER. - Jung Taekwoon

Seriously, I'm shocked myself on how commit I am in my works. *Pats dear self*
And I need to improve more.

People around me always say that I'm very professional in my works but seriously, I'm also a careless person and easily feeling down and anxiety always consumed me every single day. But without anxiety, I'll never know what I'm capable of and I'll never know myself.

5. I need Allah more than I needed him before.

I did cried a lot when I first entered uni. To be honest with you guys, I nearly give up on studying this sem subjects because I did found it really hard. I did cry everyday. I still overthink. I did have a hard time making friends. I did have A LOT of issues. And, the only positive thing that kept sticking in my head and my heart is that, I have Allah by my side, And I can rely on him (even when I was giving up on myself).

I'm not a perfect muslim.
 I do sometimes missed my daily prayers. I don't wear hijab on my head. I swear a lot. I read smut. I enjoy looking at attractive people. I spend a lot of time fangirling that studying or doing other important things. I don't make reading Quran as a daily activity. I'm not perfect.

But I do remember this,
Your Iman will increase and decrease. It's up to you to chose what path.

Everyday, I asked Allah to make this day better than yesterday.
I asked him to give me strength for my journey in foundation. I ask him to never let me get distracted on things.

I do try my best to pray five times a day. I do try my best to read Quran and Selawat everyday. I try everyday to be a better muslim.

And I feel, not better, but my anxiety is lesser than it was. I feel more...free and calm.

But as a human, we never get run from these things.
I do feel stress. I don't get enough sleep. I'm mentally tired.

But, it's all parts of a learning process.