God, I remember it clearly as of was yesterday.

I was just got back from my work, it as 6:40 pm. I wished that I didn't open Twitter. I wished I would just go straight to bed.

His name popped up randomly and how the twit-handle kept wishing that he was alright. That he would live. The retweets were more than 200 hundred and it was posted only 30 minutes tops.

There are a lot of 'Jonghyun' in kpop industry and my head panicly knew that Jonghyun.

I was scared and I could feel my anxiety build up, I was so scared. 

For the first time in a long time I was so scared of death.

You see, death didn't latch at me like some people. There had been deaths in my family but it happened when I was small or I wasn't born at that time. I've never feel pain like some of my friends felt lose their parent or friend. I was bless to not face death.

I can only justify this on why I was hurt so much on Jonghyun's death.

SHINee, I could say, is my first love. Love is subjective yes, but it was the first time I felt love.

It wasn't a romantic love, it was more idolizing love; that kind of love that kept you moving forward, to be better, to be seen, to want to be recognize and be who you want to be.

That is still my love for SHINee.

When I read the hashtag of that day, I was honestly felt like it was a lie.

'No! He isn't! He has so many to look up for! He is loved! He worked so hard to get to this point!

Deny, deny, deny until it's not anymore right?

Then, those pictures of Shawols flocking the hospital, then the condolences messages from other k-idols, and kpop websites; I'd lost it.

I cried. At first, there was no tears, and I felt like crap. Then I could feel my heart pounding so hard on my chest and it started to get hard to breath, my head was spinning, my hand are shaking. I was devastated.

If you don't know SHINee that well, you need to know that these five men grew up together since freshmen/middle school. They know each other like it was back of their hands. And you need to know that Jonghyun was the carefree one, the emotional one, the passionate one.

Jonghyun was bubbly, kind, respectable and little bit of a dork. He wasn't my bias but he somehow a man that I would consider an individual that I wanted to become.

He was a DJ, singer, songwriter, an author and held a Masters.

I want to be a writer and I want to write good.

You see, SHINee as whole was my anchor when I was 13.

I didn't have many friends, let alone good grades. I was an outsider who happened to be also a person who didn't look like her name on ID.

All I had was SHINee. I couldn't wait to go home to see them. I couldn't wait to go home to watch any variety shows that has them in it. I couldn't wait to listen to their album. I couldn't wait to watch their new MVs.

I couldn't wait. I couldn't. I couldn't wait.

Every single day, was me looking forward and live.

I looked up to SHINee all my teen years. They made me laugh, the pushed me to work hard, they were there when nobody was.

Then, high school, then college. I grow up.

I started focusing on things that mattered to me for my future and SHINee was kept on the back of my head and deep down in my heart.

Busy, busy, busy.

It is hurt me more to know that Jonghyun is gone.

We lost him on his prime, we thought he was happy, but he wasn't. That has bothered me so much.

Whenever I want something, I would do anything to chase it but seeing him so distraught, knowing him that he didn't believe that he wasn't good enough broke me.

I'm scare if I ever achieve the things I want, will I be like that?

I'm scared because I think in everybody's eyes Jonghyun did so well. 

Fame, fortune, friends, family, his work.

Yet, for him it wasn't enough.

It hurt me so much that people made fun of his death.

It hurt because you know he had work hard, and that kind of people who were the ones that dragged him down on the first place.

It hurt me that he lost his life even though he went for help.

It broke me. 

I sometimes for a moment I forgot that he's already gone.

I love SHINee.

I loved Jonghyun.

I idolize them.

My mom even promise that she will treat me if they come here.

I wanted my first concert to be them.

I don't think it will happen at the moment. And I'm okay with. I want just to move on.

I just want my love for them never fade. And I promised myself that I will always love them still.

And I made amends with that.

If you love an idol, cherish them well because I 've lost one of mine and it truly changed you.