Gosh, this the first post about my life since the last one.

Remember when I was constantly updating stuffs back when I was still in high school?

Haha, not anymore.

And the senile thing is, I have more things to talk about now than back in sekolah menegah.

To the point when my friend called me they would as if 'I am okay.' or 'Why I look so tired?'

I'm just very preoccupied. 

From club meetings (gosh night meetings), to handling events out and inside from my major, from assignments, from writing in and outside of school, from reading books for school and pleasure, and meeting people, to be honest, I've never thought I can handle this.

I've never been the type that considered as 'active'. You can ask anyone and they will say that Amni is that quiet kid that doesn't do anything.





But I am okay, I think.

Being busy means that the bad thoughts rarely come.
I rarely take a lot of time thinking before sleeping too. When I'm on my bed, 5 minutes in, I feel asleep without any second thoughts.

I ventured out. In some community in uni, people know me as that chick whose good at designing.
I have a lot of friends that can help me out.

I read a lot, without feeling pressured.
I'm more vocal, and less dramatic.
I found out I can work well under pressure.
I managed to calm my anxiety a little bit.
I rarely break down?

But, I missed being free.
Usually at night, it was a time for me to write, to blog, to watch kdramas.
But now, it is the time where I got home from school almost everyday.

I missed saying "Yeah, I can go." instead of, "Sorry, I'm not free this week."

All I want to do now after class or meeting, is just go home.

I keep on rejecting eating invites from friends or my event committees because if I interact with people more than I can handle, I feel like I will lose my sanity.

Everything is either draining me or makes me feel alive.
I rarely sleep good. But, I've read good amount of books. Too many amount of books.

I've been reading poetry without realizing it, and a lot of them because I had/have literature classes.
Yet, I rarely found that I will keep in my heart.

Food either taste bland because I would just eat and then go to bed. Or, it taste good that I feel bad eating due of unhealthy reasons.

I don't have time to write.
When I do, I don't know what to write. This post took me 2 weeks to think.

I just wear whatever in front of me instead taking care what I look like I used to do.
Class are either makes me sleepy or I feel like it just wasted my time.
My class schedule this semester sucks balls. So many gaps, too little classes.

I feel like I've been floating around without any directions to go.

Wake up, go to school, do work, go to sleep.

The feeling of numbness is what keeps me going, I guess.

I feel like I'm waiting something to happen. And I don't have any guesses.
But, I know it will be good.

I'll just have to wait.

- Amni

Heyyy. Haiiii. Helloooo.

Yeah, I know I've been DEAD for the past few months on this website but I HAVE a reason though:

I was (maybe still is) suffered from writer's block.

I really didn't know what to write. If I had an idea, I completely dismissed them because some of the drafts I wrote would probably get me kill if I post it. 

Just a quick thought: *whispers* I was planning to write this post (The topic: Degree Life) after I finish my finals but I just CAN'T-!

The week stresses me out and bored me out sO much I feel like I would die doing nothing. (unless it related to school aka stuDYING) 

I feel so Drained...

It is not like I feel like this just recently. I feel drained since I started my first semester, first year of my degree life.


Before I even started this semester, my landlord called me and told us to move to upper floor. I was a at home and she didn't even called my housemates.

So, a week and a half before I start my orientation, I drove back and forth from my house to my uni condo to move my stuff along with our kitchen cabinets, tv and I had to install a wifi under my name.

Mind you, I just got my license that time (after many times of failure, another time, I'll tell), so obviously I was freaking the hell out driving because a) My uni is in KL b) Have you see Malaysian drivers c) B*bi no parking. d) PETROL

And then, came the orientation, It was the whole day and I was so exhausted from moving and I had to go because maybe there was something important happening.

It was so awkward.

My friend and I was the only two person in our batch (I think) that took a break before starting our degree. So, there were only us, no other friends there, some of our friends were facilitators, so it was awkward.

And we were surrounded by new kids,

and the most time that the orientation consumed, was for the new kids so for like seven hours, it was a long, boring lectures that we had already heard. 

I don't know if it's just me, I feel mentally exhausted that for the first month of the semester, I barely did anything except waking up for class.

I also woke up super ate like three/four hours before class and imagine all the fajr that I missed made me resilient and demotivated.

Life and responsibility attacked me so frequently this semester.



Kageyama: Me. Volleyball: Life

Okay maybe, it is a very pressured semester because it is a short semester. We have to fasten all our activities for our works and while aiming for good grades.

I admit I'm the type of person who's aware of inferiority. I know what I suck at, I'm my bad habits and I know I'm a cautions freak I am. But I'm where I stand. But with my inferiority plus my irregular silent competitive nature, my insecurities just blew up.

1) I'm the youngest one amongst my classmates. Although, I never feel like I'm the youngest around them, I still feel like I lack confidence. Because they're older than me, I lack of life experiences compared to them.

2)  One class for this semester includes a lot, I mean A LOT of class participation. Which was exhausting. I'm grateful to expressed my opinions and my works but if its too much, it would exhaust me mentality. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking, per-say. Because if I want to talk, I would super enthusiastic and never stop talking and when I don't want to talk, I couldn't think of a word and that making me spurted some jumbled up doesn't make sense crap.

Does my depression at starting to come back? Well, in a sense yeah, but, I don't feel like it getting worst. I'm better at taking care of it now, the older I get.

Is my anxiety try to attack me? Nah. Compared to my foundation self, I'm pretty chill now.

I. AM. JUST. SUPER. DEMOTIVATED.
That's it.



My negative ass needs to get a grip and stop trying to fit the Capricorn stereotype of being stuck-up, boring, cynical little human.

*sips Chatime milk tea*

Now, it's already finals' month and after that I'm going to experience working and I either gotta end up being motivated or not.

The things is, this is my mentality. I kept thinking of being demotivated and tired that's why I'm don't feel enough for this past few months.

Growing up equals to more responsibilities coming. Equals to a lot of mental breakdowns moments, equals to you need to keep up and push yourself because no one gonna do it for you (even your mom).

Happy thoughts, guys. Happy thoughts.

To be honest, I don't know and want to write more.

So, bye bye~

-Amni.

SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP

Wow, I finally finished my first semester of foundation. Like literally wow, I felt it had been dragging for so long. 

Now, I'm nervous for my result.
 (I seriously don't want to fail. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst *sobs*)

Okay, back to the point.
How are you guys?
Miss me since I haven't update lately? *lol perasan*

Let's talk about college~~

I, a person who can't communicate well, suck at math, weak at studying, a lame geek. a person who cries a lot went to college!




One time,
I broke down,
To be honest, I was nearly on verge of giving up, but, I thought;
'Hey dumbass! If Leo could do this without showing any sadness, you can too.'
or
'You have god, Amni. Even when you're alone and jahil. No matter how much you screw up, Allah is always there beside you.'

Without this self motivations, I would already  gave up.

But looking at the bright side, college taught me so much even I'm only in my first sem.
I can improve my skill on speaking English.
I'm surrounded by smart people so surprisingly, it made me study harder (kinda)
I rely on Allah more, I become a better muslim, somehow.
I woke up earlier than usual, even when I don't have plans in the morning,
I learned to manage my money (even when I broke eventually)
(Don't tell my mom) I can buy sweetened water *cough* sirap bandung *cough* whenever I want!!!

And most importantly,
I learned to rely on myself.
I made myself whole.


- Amni, tired af university student.