Weirdo Solo

, by Amni :3

fictional characters

Waiting: A Hades Story [ONESHOT]

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, by Amni :3

anime

Preoccupied

Gosh, this the first post about my life since the last one.

Remember when I was constantly updating stuffs back when I was still in high school?

Haha, not anymore.

And the senile thing is, I have more things to talk about now than back in sekolah menegah.

To the point when my friend called me they would as if 'I am okay.' or 'Why I look so tired?'

I'm just very preoccupied.

From club meetings (gosh night meetings), to handling events out and inside from my major, from assignments, from writing in and outside of school, from reading books for school and pleasure, and meeting people, to be honest, I've never thought I can handle this.

I've never been the type that considered as 'active'. You can ask anyone and they will say that Amni is that quiet kid that doesn't do anything.

But I am okay, I think.

Being busy means that the bad thoughts rarely come.
I rarely take a lot of time thinking before sleeping too. When I'm on my bed, 5 minutes in, I feel asleep without any second thoughts.

I ventured out. In some community in uni, people know me as that chick whose good at designing.
I have a lot of friends that can help me out.

I read a lot, without feeling pressured.
I'm more vocal, and less dramatic.
I found out I can work well under pressure.
I managed to calm my anxiety a little bit.
I rarely break down?

But, I missed being free.
Usually at night, it was a time for me to write, to blog, to watch kdramas.
But now, it is the time where I got home from school almost everyday.

I missed saying "Yeah, I can go." instead of, "Sorry, I'm not free this week."

All I want to do now after class or meeting, is just go home.

I keep on rejecting eating invites from friends or my event committees because if I interact with people more than I can handle, I feel like I will lose my sanity.

Everything is either draining me or makes me feel alive.
I rarely sleep good. But, I've read good amount of books. Too many amount of books.

I've been reading poetry without realizing it, and a lot of them because I had/have literature classes.
Yet, I rarely found that I will keep in my heart.

Food either taste bland because I would just eat and then go to bed. Or, it taste good that I feel bad eating due of unhealthy reasons.

I don't have time to write.
When I do, I don't know what to write. This post took me 2 weeks to think.

I just wear whatever in front of me instead taking care what I look like I used to do.
Class are either makes me sleepy or I feel like it just wasted my time.
My class schedule this semester sucks balls. So many gaps, too little classes.

I feel like I've been floating around without any directions to go.

Wake up, go to school, do work, go to sleep.

The feeling of numbness is what keeps me going, I guess.

I feel like I'm waiting something to happen. And I don't have any guesses.
But, I know it will be good.

I'll just have to wait.

- Amni

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, by Amni :3

SHINee

Jonghyun.

God, I remember it clearly as of was yesterday.

I was just got back from my work, it as 6:40 pm. I wished that I didn't open Twitter. I wished I would just go straight to bed.

His name popped up randomly and how the twit-handle kept wishing that he was alright. That he would live. The retweets were more than 200 hundred and it was posted only 30 minutes tops.

There are a lot of 'Jonghyun' in kpop industry and my head panicly knew that Jonghyun.

I was scared and I could feel my anxiety build up, I was so scared.

For the first time in a long time I was so scared of death.

You see, death didn't latch at me like some people. There had been deaths in my family but it happened when I was small or I wasn't born at that time. I've never feel pain like some of my friends felt lose their parent or friend. I was bless to not face death.

I can only justify this on why I was hurt so much on Jonghyun's death.

SHINee, I could say, is my first love. Love is subjective yes, but it was the first time I felt love.

It wasn't a romantic love, it was more idolizing love; that kind of love that kept you moving forward, to be better, to be seen, to want to be recognize and be who you want to be.

That is still my love for SHINee.

When I read the hashtag of that day, I was honestly felt like it was a lie.

'No! He isn't! He has so many to look up for! He is loved! He worked so hard to get to this point!

Deny, deny, deny until it's not anymore right?

Then, those pictures of Shawols flocking the hospital, then the condolences messages from other k-idols, and kpop websites; I'd lost it.

I cried. At first, there was no tears, and I felt like crap. Then I could feel my heart pounding so hard on my chest and it started to get hard to breath, my head was spinning, my hand are shaking. I was devastated.

If you don't know SHINee that well, you need to know that these five men grew up together since freshmen/middle school. They know each other like it was back of their hands. And you need to know that Jonghyun was the carefree one, the emotional one, the passionate one.

Jonghyun was bubbly, kind, respectable and little bit of a dork. He wasn't my bias but he somehow a man that I would consider an individual that I wanted to become.

He was a DJ, singer, songwriter, an author and held a Masters.

I want to be a writer and I want to write good.

You see, SHINee as whole was my anchor when I was 13.

I didn't have many friends, let alone good grades. I was an outsider who happened to be also a person who didn't look like her name on ID.

All I had was SHINee. I couldn't wait to go home to see them. I couldn't wait to go home to watch any variety shows that has them in it. I couldn't wait to listen to their album. I couldn't wait to watch their new MVs.

I couldn't wait. I couldn't. I couldn't wait.

Every single day, was me looking forward and live.

I looked up to SHINee all my teen years. They made me laugh, the pushed me to work hard, they were there when nobody was.

Then, high school, then college. I grow up.

I started focusing on things that mattered to me for my future and SHINee was kept on the back of my head and deep down in my heart.

Busy, busy, busy.

It is hurt me more to know that Jonghyun is gone.

We lost him on his prime, we thought he was happy, but he wasn't. That has bothered me so much.

Whenever I want something, I would do anything to chase it but seeing him so distraught, knowing him that he didn't believe that he wasn't good enough broke me.

I'm scare if I ever achieve the things I want, will I be like that?

I'm scared because I think in everybody's eyes Jonghyun did so well.

Fame, fortune, friends, family, his work.

Yet, for him it wasn't enough.

It hurt me so much that people made fun of his death.

It hurt because you know he had work hard, and that kind of people who were the ones that dragged him down on the first place.

It hurt me that he lost his life even though he went for help.

It broke me.

I sometimes for a moment I forgot that he's already gone.

I love SHINee.

I loved Jonghyun.

I idolize them.

My mom even promise that she will treat me if they come here.

I wanted my first concert to be them.

I don't think it will happen at the moment. And I'm okay with. I want just to move on.

I just want my love for them never fade. And I promised myself that I will always love them still.

And I made amends with that.

If you love an idol, cherish them well because I 've lost one of mine and it truly changed you.

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, by Amni :3

bookworm

Books of 2017

This is an annual thing by the way.

Let's just go straight ahead for

MY FAVOURITE BOOKS OF 2017

Honestly, truly, I didn't read that much.

I don't know why.
And this post was a week in a making;
This show how lost I am.

Okay!
I read about 20+ books give or take this year.

So, I enjoyed most of them but I have to list only 11.

So.
Let's talk about

1. Kill The Boy Band

Book Info: Kill The Boy Band

I genuinely thought it would be like crazy fanfic about fangirls kidnapping their boyband.

It was not. It was more than that, and more darker than that.

It's insane.
The book had me did so much self-reflection of 'Am I the crazy fangirl?' thoughts.

Yoooo, the four girls in this book, they are horrible.
I genuinely hate people pushing me doing things, especially something like kidnapping a member from your favourite boy band.

Be prepare of roller coaster of 'WTF?!' while you reading this one.

★★★.5/5

2. Meeting Persephone

Book Info: Seeking Persephone
The book cover is ugly, I know.

I kinda agree that most of the book reviews for this book:
It read like a Jane Austine book.

The main guy is so dramatic and emo like IF HIS FRIEND was not there, I would have go inside the book and slap him.

★★★.5/5

3. The Dark Prophecy

Book Info: LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LEO LEO LEO LEO LEO

I was so excited to read because MY FAVOURITE BOOK CHARACTER OF ALL TIMES is in here and still are beautiful and a cinnamon roll as he always is.

Most of the time I read it, I smiled like a idiot.
People underestimate my love for Leo, and I love this boy so much, even he talks crap shit, I will still love him.

The amount of Hunter of Artemis scenes;
THANK YOU.

★★★★/5

4. Ship of the Dead

Book Info: Hearthstone my CHILD

Not gonna lie, among all the three books in this trilogy, Ship of The Dead is my least favourite because I feel like the last fight was not... epic enough.

I know this book is middle grade but I hope it would be a little bit darker. Amongst all of Uncle Rick's books, Magnus Chase has always been dark (Characters wise, and the storyline), and Magnus Chase's trilogy bringing the mommy and daddy issues to a whole Jotunheim level, which I love.

★★★★/5

5. Human Acts

Book Info: Human Acts

This was the first book I read in 2017.
I started at work at the end of 2016 (I worked retails in a bookstore so...)

After I read a Murkami, I wanted to read asian literature more, and I kept hearing Han Kang's books. Since this book was displayed at my work, I decided to pick it up (expensive book too)

If I have one word to describe it: HAUNTING.
It was confusing for me at first because all the characters' names and their connections with each other. However, I do enjoy the 'sorrowfulness' of the book gave and the tasteless reality in the 1980's Gwangju.

★★★★/5

6. The Hate U Gave

Book Info: That white boy....Chris

If you want to understand the race tension and the police brutality in America, but you don't want to watch the news or read 30 pages worth of thesis with complicated words, you need to read The Hate U Give.

From the effects of police brutality on black people, to their family dynamics, and their everyday struggles, and neighborhood gangsterism, this book covers it all.

Strong, vocal, unapoligetic, raw and hilarious.

★★★★.5/5

7. Turtles All The Way Down

Image result for turtles all the way down

Book Info: TURTLESSS

Honestly speaking, I wasn't plnning to even pick up this book.
For most reasons were that; (a) I waited too long for John Green to release a new book and (b) I feel like I'm too old to read a John Green book.

Which was stewpid. STewpid.
Because I bought and read it.

I wanted to post this on Instagram but I had such a hard time reading it and it was not because it wasn't good.

It was good and new to the point where it triggered my anxiety.

The main character has OCD and anxiety and both of them got mixed up and you don't know which is which. It made me so uncomfortable to the point at some parts of reading it, I felt like throwing up.

Her description of her fear and paranoia made me sick because what she feels was what I exactly felt throughout my teen years.

And about the OCD, John Green spoke that he had OCD so all the episode are medically accurate.

So, Trigger Warning if you want to read it.

★★★★/5

8. King's Cage

Book Info: Maven is the B O M B dot com

Second-last book of the series you guys.

To avoid spoiler, my favourite character is the villain.

And this book the villain appears so much.
It's not that I like villains because they're the villains, but because how good of a writing the villain of this book is for me to like the villain.

Also Mare Barrow went to a character development. The Character Development.

The emotionally and mentally manipulations of the book had me criticizing through my morality the roof.
And at some point....I feel bad for the villain.

★★★★/5

9. Here Lies Daniel Tate

Book Info: My brain

bitch. BITCH.
My BRAIN.
MY
BRAIN.

I personally like to watch crime shows, but not reading it cause I have zero patience and I usually know the culprit easily.

I was sO convince that one person was the culprit but the writing style for this book. It is in the first POV by the way.

'Daniel Tate' character is mysterious. We know he's a con, but we dont know where he came from. He's such an interesting character and reading this book through his thoughts was interesting to me.

Nobody recommended me this book too. I was one day walking around a bookstore and the title and the cover caught my eyes ( book covers are important you guys)

What a great experience reading this book
I was thoroughly enjoyed it.

★★★★.5/5

10. Still Life With Tornado

Book Info: I am personally traumatized

The book is so weird but effectively made me bawling my eyes out.

I missed A.S.King's books. One of her books is in my favourite book of all times list.
And of course, I was gonna read this one sooner or later.

Again, I had two books that triggered my anxiety in the year of 2017.

And this is the second one.
I never feel personally connected in the terms of family issues?? that the character face in this book.

Raw. Original. Unapologetic. Brave.

★★★★.5/5

11. Vicious

Book Info: Victor Vale is my favourite character

I'm a visual person. So I read this like I was watching the Sin City.

Vicious is the book that I bought three years ago which I had the 'I'm gonna read it when I'm old enough.' in mind. Because I feel like I would have a better perspective as a reader?

I don't know how to describe it but I L.O.V. E this book.

It talks about morality, and grey area of being human like like it or not, people are 100 stories of fucked-up.

AND THE CHARACTERS ARE ALL ANTIHEROES!!!!

I deserved this.
The best describe this book is:

Xavier and Magneto fighting each other but none of them are on the side of the law.

The writing, the discussion about morality and the discussion of super powers, the characters, you WILL GET IT ALL.

This was supposed to be a standalone book but the sequel is coming up this year so pick it up!!!

★★★★.5/5

That's it.

I don't know what this year will bring but I hope I gonna have a great reading year.
I have so many things to do even it's only January arGHHHHHH.

Adios~

- Amni