So, it was Friday and it was early.

My sister and I, we went to a bookish adventures~~~

First, we met with my sister's friend, who also a book lover, they were planning on making a video since my sister and her are booktubers, (From Malaysia yo!) and her friend, (Nabilah) are going to study abroad soon.

We went to Borders, The Curve, and I was surprised.

They upgraded the Young Adults section!

SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP

Wow, I finally finished my first semester of foundation. Like literally wow, I felt it had been dragging for so long. 

Now, I'm nervous for my result.
 (I seriously don't want to fail. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst *sobs*)

Okay, back to the point.
How are you guys?
Miss me since I haven't update lately? *lol perasan*

Let's talk about college~~

I, a person who can't communicate well, suck at math, weak at studying, a lame geek. a person who cries a lot went to college!




One time,
I broke down,
To be honest, I was nearly on verge of giving up, but, I thought;
'Hey dumbass! If Leo could do this without showing any sadness, you can too.'
or
'You have god, Amni. Even when you're alone and jahil. No matter how much you screw up, Allah is always there beside you.'

Without this self motivations, I would already  gave up.

But looking at the bright side, college taught me so much even I'm only in my first sem.
I can improve my skill on speaking English.
I'm surrounded by smart people so surprisingly, it made me study harder (kinda)
I rely on Allah more, I become a better muslim, somehow.
I woke up earlier than usual, even when I don't have plans in the morning,
I learned to manage my money (even when I broke eventually)
(Don't tell my mom) I can buy sweetened water *cough* sirap bandung *cough* whenever I want!!!

And most importantly,
I learned to rely on myself.
I made myself whole.


- Amni, tired af university student.

I write a lot. 

To fanfics, vampires, *cough* smut *cough* contemporaries, and also romance.

But, I never write an authentic short story.

So, the times when I had insomnia, I wrote this. It has become a habit before I fell asleep to think about the plot and how are things I want it to flow.

I called my short story:

- Amni

Since I entered uni, I've been so independent.

Not like, "Oh, I entered college yay I finally free from my cage!" kind of independent. It's;
"I can only rely on myself and God." kind of independent.

Whenever I saw a high schoolers whose excited to enter uni, I laughed evilly inside cause YA DON'T KNOW. YA DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH STRUGGLES WE FRESHMEN FACE.
(But, this I promise you, uni is better than high school in MANY ways.)

I know that some of the people (or even friends) that judge me cause I didn't entered a government's uni. (Even when I got one college for pharmacy major lol (I suck at chemistry, thanks by the way.))
I know, private Uni is expensive as fuck (I'm not rich either), I know I'm really slow especially in my studies and I know fangirl a lot than studying.

But to be honest with you guys, deep inside, I'm grateful that I didn't entered a government's uni.

I've complain a lot about how many tests and assignments and how hard this sem subjects are. I couldn't imagine myself entered a government uni which I know they have new assignments every week and it's scary if you get a course that you CAN DO (but you don't have interest on).
I know some of you guys didn't have any choice because if I was you, I would enter a government uni/ politeknik/matriks even if it's not the course I wanted.

Maybe, that's why I didn't get my UPU. Allah knows I cannot handle that kind of journey.


A learning process.

Hmm. What did I learn for the past months?

1. English is IMPORTANT.

For a foundation in arts student leading to English (I entered a private Uni just because I want to major in English cause government's uni takde course English (TESL is different). Yeah.)

I have to speak English everyday for my daily communication, I didn't have any problem with that. I have to do my assignments in English, EVERYTHING is in English.
I do struggle but, I love it.

I don't care why people always judge other people who prefer speaking in English or why judging people who majoring in arts or language or history.

I think, in this world, we need more people who love poetry, words, cultures and live for love.
Because I found these people beautiful.



2. I've made friends with many races.

Growing up as a mixed blood, of course I've been misunderstood and being racist by people. And I got used to it and I pretty good at detect it too haha (17 years 8 months experience)

Having many friends from different races is SO COOL and you get to learn a lot about other cultures (I learn chinese a little in the process) and using a lot of bahasa rojak (no regrets).
Yes, some people are racist, some of them just don't care and I don't care about them either. I do feel grateful that I found friends in Uni (It surprised me too)

3. I need to struggle more.

I'm not a studious person but I am an ambitious person. For me to get to learn English in degree I NEED TO pass this foundation. I HAVE TO. I never studied this hard in my life. I've never been this careful of a person on my studies in my life until I entered college.

And I have to learn and even cry a little bit and get up and study.
I knew for a long time that I'm not a person who's blessed with smartness or looks.
But, I'm grateful that I've been blessed to have passion and doing the things I love.

4. I need become a professional in my works.

WORK HARD, PLAY HARDER. - Jung Taekwoon

Seriously, I'm shocked myself on how commit I am in my works. *Pats dear self*
And I need to improve more.

People around me always say that I'm very professional in my works but seriously, I'm also a careless person and easily feeling down and anxiety always consumed me every single day. But without anxiety, I'll never know what I'm capable of and I'll never know myself.

5. I need Allah more than I needed him before.

I did cried a lot when I first entered uni. To be honest with you guys, I nearly give up on studying this sem subjects because I did found it really hard. I did cry everyday. I still overthink. I did have a hard time making friends. I did have A LOT of issues. And, the only positive thing that kept sticking in my head and my heart is that, I have Allah by my side, And I can rely on him (even when I was giving up on myself).

I'm not a perfect muslim.
 I do sometimes missed my daily prayers. I don't wear hijab on my head. I swear a lot. I read smut. I enjoy looking at attractive people. I spend a lot of time fangirling that studying or doing other important things. I don't make reading Quran as a daily activity. I'm not perfect.

But I do remember this,
Your Iman will increase and decrease. It's up to you to chose what path.

Everyday, I asked Allah to make this day better than yesterday.
I asked him to give me strength for my journey in foundation. I ask him to never let me get distracted on things.

I do try my best to pray five times a day. I do try my best to read Quran and Selawat everyday. I try everyday to be a better muslim.

And I feel, not better, but my anxiety is lesser than it was. I feel more...free and calm.

But as a human, we never get run from these things.
I do feel stress. I don't get enough sleep. I'm mentally tired.

But, it's all parts of a learning process.

"Where have you been for the past four months?"

Guys, it called college.

(I like use the term College more than University (college sounds more chill.))

I actually want to start blogging again after finals.

Nope, I still haven't finished my first sem.

I just want to write this.

For the past week, I felt weirdly nostalgic.

Since I started college, I don't have time for doing the things I love.

I don't have time to read and I don't even feeling like reading. I'm in a HUGE reading slump.

I don't feel like drawing cause it takes time and I don't have any.

I don't even watch any tv shows or movies, If I watched them, believe me when I say that I only watched half of it cause my hostel's Internet is shit.

Heck, I don't have time to even write my story in Wattpad.

All I did after going home from class, my thoughts are, "I need sleep."

And sleep I did.

After my midterm for my 4 subjects (I have 5 subjects this semester),

I suddenly remembered that I haven't watch Vixx's One Fine Day.

And one night I was like, "Hey, why not watch it now?"

And I watched it. And I felt really, really empty.

I don't know about you guys, I'm a fangirl since I entered teen hood.

I've been a fangirl since I was 13.

And, watching one of my favourite boy groups, I felt a pang of sadness on my heart.

Yes, firstly, I missed them.

And then, I realised how unhappy I was.

___________

My first month of college, I cried a lot.

(I don't want to write about my college life because I want to keep this topic after finals.)

I realised how in my high school years, I spent on my obsession over books, music, movies, and I was... at least happy for the things I did.

Like everyone, my high school years, sucked.

But, the things I love I did, it made the sad years a little okay.

I don't want to be sad again.

I know I complain about college a lot (especially in whatsapp), but I don't want you guys to think that I'm ungrateful...I just really missed talking to the people I know and staying in new place, studying in new school and not knowing anyone, is really damn hard.

Now, I'm nothing but a tired atom.

At some point of my life, these three boy bands were my source of happiness. They were the one who made my life better in high school years and they are still here, to give me strength everyday through their music and personalities.

I missed this feeling. I missed it so, so much.

I missed being happy through these little things.

Ever since watching Vixx's One Fine Day, I laughed a lot.

And I realised I grew up.

I'm not ready to be an adult. (Honestly, I just want to be a fangirling teenager for the longest time as I want).

Grew up sucks but, realising that make me feel stronger, somehow.

And, no, I will never forget those people, those fictional characters that make me have strength to face my everyday life. I'm honestly, feeling such gratitude for them.

Because if it wasn't for these people, my former and now source of happiness (and Allah), I'm not what I am today.

I'm gonna straight up saying this,

Romantic relationship scared me.
Having a boyfriend scared me (more like annoyed but back to the point)

Marriages scared me.

The idea having a partner scared me.



Here are my thoughts,

For 17 nearly 18 years in my life, I studied myself.
I found out that I'm a loyal type of person.
(Like seriously, I liked my first crush for 6 years, literally from the age 10 until I reached 15 and he wasn't even went the same secondary school as I was. It's crazy how long that I liked him.)

Then I developed a new crush with this guy, I liked him for about a year or so until I found out that he was a total jerk and flirted me just because he was dared (asshole, I know)

and there was some crushes that I don't want to talk about...

Honestly speaking, I'm fine being single. Its fun and I hate majority of the male population in the earth cause they don't support feminism and makes rape jokes and doesn't respect woman.

First of all, fuckboys, rape isn't funny.
Girls basically grew up to be careful with their surroundings instead of male, who  grew up to not to be taught that rape is wrong and they should respect women.

What is wrong with this motherfucking world?

That's why we need FEMINISM.

So, back to the point.
The idea of being with someone.

Scared
the
crap
out
of
me.


Like first of all, having a boyfriend.



What if, my future boyfriend is boring??
(Oh dear god, please don't)

Like, whenever we have a date, all that he talks about are about his friends instead of himself?

I don't understand why could people be so blunt and boring. I mean, do you have a hobby? A goal? A passion? Are you interest in music? Are you interest in art? Are you interest in films? Photography? Buildings? Cars? Cooking? Money? Anything??!!!

What if, my future boyfriend is manipulative and make me feel bad about myself so I will stick beside him like a slave?
(That's toxic relationship)

Holy shit, that kind of relationship scared me the most because somebody close to me had that kind of relationship.

I mean seriously, if your boyfriend comment negative things that you hate the most about yourself and make you feel bad about it. Run. He's not worthy.

Believe me.


What if, when you get married, after years of being together, your partner finally decided he don't love you anymore??? What if he cheats? What if he decides to leave you behind? What if, you're a stay at home mom and he leaves you without any financial support? What if he runs away? What about your kids?


I never fully understand why anybody would cheat with their partner. If you really feel the need to be with somebody else in the same way as you currently are with your partner, be a decent human being and end your relationship to save the person you supposedly love a whole world of unnecessary pain rather than being a piece of shit.

Why you have to be so goddamn greedy and mean?


What if, your husband loves you because of your looks and when it you eventually gain/looses weight and then he leaves you?

Because, people around me, people I care most about, are divorced.
 I don't know man, marriage scared me.

It's like a trend in this country for young people get married early or by an arrangement. Yes, it's a good thing, but what about the people who's in their late 20's and 30's that still hasn't marry yet? Especially woman? The gender who always being a target of judgmental aunties-aunties in this country?

Like, what's wrong to be a single, independent women?
What's wrong being a women who have successful careers?

Don't ever blame successful woman because she's successful and couldn't find a man. Blame man that's scared to get near this type of women just because she's brave, independent and have higher salary than men.

Don't even say that women 'need' to get married to give birth to future generations.
That's utterly bullshit.

Some women scared of childbirth.
Some women can't get birth.

I, myself, scared of childbirth.
I'm scared of marrying someone someday, and found out he's such a total prick and doesn't respect me as a wife and as a woman and treats me like his slave.

I watched and see many women rights to prevent this type of thing don't even say that this kind of toxic relationship doesn't exist.

I grew up knowing that as a woman, I need to be careful, around other women and men. Because some of them would take advantage on you because you're nice.

I grew up knowing to let myself be a little selfish so that people never take advantage on me.
Recently, I grew up knowing that I wasn't supposed to be nice, I'm supposed to be kind.




Dear future Husband (if you ever exist),

Allah stated that we all will find our significant others one day.

I hope you're a feminist and not a racist. I hope you're not boring either.
I hope you respect your mom. I hope that you achieve your goals with you, not giving up. I hope you have a decent job. I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope your grades are excellent, because I'm struggling here. I hope we weren't in the same high school because I hate boys in my school. I hope my friends doesn't know you so our relationship would be private (and my friends are all loud and busy body.)

Because I believe in opposite attract,

I hope you like children (because I don't). I hope at least you can dance (because I'm good at dancing) so we can dance in the living room to Frank Sinatra's songs. I hope that you play sports (because I don't). I hope that you're romantic type of person (because I'm not). I hope you socialize well because I have anxiety and I need you to be my side. I hope that you find me beautiful even when I'm drooling in my sleep. I hope that you'll comfort me when I cry finishing a book on 2AM by serving me tea. I hope that you have a soft spot for fashion and I hope you're not a psychopath. I hope you don't have anger issue because I deal with people who have anger issues all my life and I don't need another one. I hope you have a great taste in music. I hope that you will love me forever as I will love you forever. I hope that we sleep every night, we will be cuddling. And, I hope that you shower me kisses and saying I love you everyday.

I hope you never give up in our marriage.


Until the day we meet,
I'll be here, fangirling over fictional characters.

Okay, guys!

I published Simply Notorious' Prologue!

Feel free to read it (link);

Simply Notorious

Kai Asher would be grateful.